delite~

of bullshit. everytime i put myself out there i get spat in the fucking face. i'm so over it, i'm not going to do it anymore. i know if you don't put yourself out there you can't find anything but there's nothing worth finding, there's nothing worth fighting for. this world is filled with SO MUCH BULLSHIT. i'm just sick of getting walked all over, so i walk all over everybody else. i throw people away when people throw me away. the cycle of life is really fucked up, and i'm tired of living this way.

i have a girlfriend
i guess that's one foot out of the closet
now i just gotta get the nerve to tell my mom..

wasted sooo much time on a certain person, really glad i woke up and smelled the coffee! i feel like i'll never change, hahah i always get to wrapped up in a duders who isn't even that live. i'm glad i'm back to the normal susie! life's been kinda shitty lately but i manage.. no license is killing me forsure but it's aight, might get a dank ass full time job! which im REALLY pumped about! beach week was fucking amazing, i miss it so mucho. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah blah blah i really just wanted to post a little update cause it's been awhile. i haven't written in forever, that needs to change// well i hope all my friends are doing well.. got community service in the morning so i better head to beds

i know that when we don't get our way, when we feel the pain it's supposed to make us stronger in the end. but i feel as if i'm strong enough to bare this pain, even though i'm not at all. you'd think i would be due to the past relationships i've found myself in. you'd think i'd not give a fuck due to my mantality when it comes to dudes. but, something made me fall to knees.. something made me open those gates not having a way to shut them. when somebody comes in my life, the first to respect me for my mind and not my body, it's hard to just up and let them go. because they're so close to my heart, so close to my soul. i hate that i end up crying every time i think about him.. but i can't help it. to watch something that was so beautiful go to waste. but i guess a friendship is in the making, and i'll take what i can get. because that's all that's left after the things that i've done.. the demolishment i've created all on my own. it's so fucking hard to know exactly what i did wrong, and not knowing or even having a way to fix it. god, what i would give for just a fucking hug.

even though the snow feels like it freezes over every inch of who you want to be, soon spring will come and melt away all the sorrows. then we'll dance and laugh and sing to a tune that will become more familiar as the days grow longer and the nights fuller of life. then this world will seem sweeter, and the occurances easier to brace.

i can't shake this boy from my thoughts, i don't know the fuck why not. no matter what i do, it just doesn't go away. i know the right cards to play, but i don't want it to be a game. because how i feel isn't something worth gambling over..

and as the water becomes deeper i find it easier to breathe. because beneath my dangling feet are the answers without questions, climbing to the surface of this demolishment inwhich i've laid upon the withered logs inwhich i grasp so dearly. but i understand now it's okay to let go, to slide underneath this freezing lake and become one with the shivers and freight. it's there that i find a haven, a sanctuary to hide the forbidden words that once slipped from these lips. the things and accusations that were never really real, just a mirrage. and when i look back upon the path i have traveled thus far i ask myself the same question repeatidly.. where did i think i would end up? going on like this i mean.. have you ever swallowed your own spit, and it tickle your throat in a fashion that involved repeated coughing which leads to a watering of the eyes and a feeling like you'll never gasp a fresh breath again? image that, and image this path.. because each step i take toward where i'm going (where ever that may be) i find that same feeling in the back of my mind, where i don't know if i'll make it to the next stride which brings me closer to the realization. because once i realize why is it what i'm doing, all the life will be sucked out of the veins which pump the blood through my tattered being.

i miss adam

so i had aboyfriend for about amonth, for once in my life i found somebody that sees relationships the way i do. who thinks and breathes and all that shit the same. and of coarse i go and fuck it up, by saying things i shouldnt have too soon, by doing things i cant explain as to why i did them. its like everytime i get delt a good card in life i set it to fire, because i enjoy watching myself burn. except i dont at all, i fucking hate this bullshit. i dont know what im doing anymore, and i know ive said that in previous posts but i really fucking dont. its like i keep shoving myself down in a hole because part of me finds it amusing to be so low, and the other part of me wants to punch myself in the goddamn face because i dont realize the doors always open, if i only i would shove my fucking foot through the door. but i never do, because im terrified, or i shove it too far in to the point that i trip and fall flat on my face. which i tend to do more than not. i just wish there was something i could do or say that would take this pain away, that would bring realization to the brain of the one whom i wish could just see that i am not who i was trying to be, that i am that same girl that likes the little things in live, that enjoys simplicity and intellegence and enlightenment. but of coarse ive fucked that all up, because thats what i do, even when i try my best not to. its hard not to cry, to watch a fire you set on your own burn like an old childhood memory.. thats never going to come back, thats going to be in the back of your mind forever until the end of days which seems like itll never come. but one day ill be slapped in the face with reality, or death im not really sure which of the two. because i feel reality as if it were the feeling of hairs on the back of my neck shrilling and shreeking when somebody gets too close, or not close enough,, once again, im not sure which.



i just need to be told continuously that everything will be alright
but theres nobody around to keep that responsibility other than myself
and as you can see i simply dont have enough strength to do just that.

as i long for the lagging get away car to slowly approach my second story loft.. from where i am standing, i count the paces which seems so far from the people which stride along as if there is a tragic death lingering on the tops of each foot. the sidewalk ascends to the porch inwhich you sit upon on that chair, rocking away to a decent beat from your ever so convenient headphones. for when i sound out your name you shall not budge ..because i shouldn't be here and you're too afraid of painless thoughts, or recommendations

i don't know what i'm doing anymore, with anything.
my dreams are ridiculous and i can't stand them much longer
though they give me some insight i feel towards the future
i do not know, i do not want to know really
the truth or what keeps it hidden from my eyes
for i know there is a reason, a complex chart
which maps out each detail
as to why this moment occurs
and why the next doesn't happen so adiquitly
so i had once wished it would be



i do not know what i am saying
good night, i am sleepy.

so it's been raining for the past fucking week or so, and i haven't seen one rainbow which really urks me. i wish rainbows were always in the sky, waiting to be witnessed and adored. i have a new boyfriend, though he is not new to my life. i am really fucking happy for once in my life, no doubting or wanting other people. (...yet)


i really miss my friends, and money. i my paycheck went to the fucking bank. 200$ str8 gone, not to mention i got about 30 stolen from me while i was hiking this past friday. spring break is so soon and i can't wait to be at the beach, and the fact that i will be officially tatt'd in 13 days!





i miss my friends, did i mention that? oh and i love them all very much

just an update:

-boyfriend, he is marvelous
-working at dominoes as well as hollister now
-leaving for the beach soon
-getting tatt'd real soon as well
-i miss my fucking friends
-i'm basically a mom lately (emma)





blah
life is so hectic
i just wanna get away
like alwayz

i just applied to vcu, found out they're still accepting applications. i really really really hope that for once in my life, i can do something right and get in. i feel like i need it, to get out of this town and away from these distractions some people like to call responsibilities. i honestly cannot wait to find out if i made it in, though i have no idea when that will be. obviously my grades suck but i feel like i raped that personal statement, like i said,.. HOPEFULLY



richmond was marvelous, i am infatuated with suzanne and her wonderlust ways! i cannot wait to return for more adventures and good times. i miss caroline and sam and cassie a whole lot. i feel like being around my mother all the time puts a damper on things, as does having to attend highschool. but boycrazi wise i am much better thanks to some new medication which i forgot to take today.. which i think is why i'm not sleeping and am being crazy


i have candles lit and feel really good
i like feeling like this, at peace.. hopeful.. achievement
though i haven't achieved anything really
transcripts tomorrow will be sent hopefully
as well as my in state tuition forms
wooooooooo
i am so fucking pumped
SO FUCKING PUMPED








now i must sleep
or atleast dream about randomness
(which never seems to fail)

can i just say that it urks me when people blow shit out of the water, as if something so simple carries this huge weight that doesn't actually exist. i wish i could live my fucking life without dweebs fucking with it. not that it's actually that big of a deal, because it's not at all. but i'm okay with the fact it still pisses me off that they can't keep my name out of their mouth when i trust them by telling them how i feel. i trust way too easily, i've come to find. guess i just try and feel that everybodys good, when in reality less than 5% of people actually are just that.
(/rant)


tomorrow i have my arreignment, gonna plead guilty and ask for a court appointed lawyer. before hand gonna drop off my car to get the oil changed cause i'm going to RICHMOND as soon as i get outta the courthouse for a weekend full of marvelous dancing and deep conversations and being around a very very good friend whom i'm sad to say i've drifted from. i really do miss you suzanne, we were so close for not a long enough period of our lives. hopefully it was just a prologue of what is to come next spring! ! !!!!! now i must go pack, clean my room, and maybe write sum? hopefully.

i'm not sure why life is played out like a display of letdowns.
each occurance being more painful than the one before
growing up isn't a delicacy, but merely show the be a fairy tale..
like seeing a unicorn for the first time
but it's none of those things; adulthood is diseiving
i lived my adolescence wishing it was over
and now that i'm face to face with the person i've finally become
i can't bare to speak my own name
or spit out the thinkings in my head
for they are far too big for this body which houses them
far too alone to be shared with others,
not out of fear or even the fact they're no good
because they are far from being remorseful
i only wish they'd came at a later date,
when i've grown out of this shell
and into the being i have yet to meet.
my head hurts due to the frequent flow
of ideas and fortunes that lie beneath my skull
racing to be set free, to venture into the ears
of those unwilling to listen, for i do not wish to share them

one of my recent writings,
i hope you ladies enjoi

this body is no longer mine-
each centimeter touched by another
removing my skin, replacing it with
their desievements and allybus~
don't ask why i'm here
you're guess is as good as mine
what is it with these faces?
plastered up as if paper miche`
only allowing a fragment of their
indentities to be seen, keep the
rest for the right time
BUT THE RIGHT TIME SHALL NEVER BRACE ITSELF,
so go ahead, let the
light shine in on each inch of who
you are, so i may find what it is keeping me here
in this desolate complex

i forgot how beautiful my surroundings are
i really wish home was a place i enjoyed being close to











i fucking hate that cat, hahaha she psychotic





anyways, today was a really good day
i really enjoy this medication it makes me sane
finally, something to keep me grounded
or maybe it's just my different outlook on life
which really is actually the same as it always is:
take each day as they come, breathe them in.. and let them go as a fresh one is in the making and today will merely become another yesterday to go along with the rest of the regrets and mistakes which should never exist. because each screw up, each letdown leads to something beautiful, whether it be wisdom or doom~

so the first few days on my new medication kicked my ass, couldn't really do anything other than sleep and eat: but i guess i needed some unwanted sleep to catch up on. i haven't written in about a week, guess it's another one of those phases. i don't really have any idea what's going on in my life right now, other than the fact i'm breathing. it seems like everything occuring around me in a some forced whirlwind and i'm stuck in the middle, watching everybody talk their talk and do their own thang when i'm tripping all over the place trying to keep up with my own accusations of what's occuring. i really enjoy shows, but nobody ever goes.. i feel thats the way i like it though, i can sit and enjoy my music while tappin my feet and shakin my head (not having to worry about who i might run into or what they might think of me) even though i should probably not care either way. it's been raining for days and i haven't been able to skate, i guess that's a good thing cause my ankles are fucked. basically, i need new shoes cause my nikes smell like asshole and my vans don't have enough support so pretty much my bones just a been gridin on each other. i'm finally out of that phase, i don't know if it's my medication or just me. i feel i'll always have some feelings towards certain people, people that i'll never get close to, people that will always be an aquantience. maybe it's not such a bad thing.. but it's respectable people i'd like to surround myself with, and if it's dudes than it's dudes. if it's my gurls than it's my gurls. i really fucking hate the rain! but i'm getting used to this abilify, and the fact i'm bi-polar:

FYI
i have hypermania bi-polar disorder
it's not like the regular AGH I HATE EVERYTHING OMGz fuck you
it's more of the i have manic episodes where i'm so pumped on life, i do anything and everything without thinking of the consiquences. then i'll wake up and look back at what i did and realize WHAT THE FUCK did i just do? just thought i'd clear that up so you peoples don't thank i'm craziiiii even though i yam

today i was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder








i start medication tomorrow
























great.